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How And Why To Leave Your Dissatisfying Relationship

Open Up To Love


We all know people in a long-term relationship who feel deeply dissatisfied with that relationship.  Why do they stay?  They usually point to external circumstances as the obstacles that form their entrapment.  They may point to financial dependency.  They may believe they are trapped because they have children.  Sometimes they point to internal factors, like a religious belief, or a deep sense of guilt that they associate with leaving.  They may regard the fear of being alone as stronger than the disappointment of remaining in their dissatisfying relationship.


We also know people who are not in a primary relationship, and who long to be in one.  They too are deeply dissatisfied with their relationship situation, and they too feel stuck in their predicament.  They ascribe the cause to external factors like “there aren’t enough good men out there.”  They might point to obstacles like their age, their weight, their financial problems, the fact that they have children, or that they have to deal with a difficult ex.  These individuals too can point to internal obstacles, like feelings of unworthiness, a fear of commitment, a feeling of being emotionally stuck on a past lover.


We might split hairs forever discussing who has the more undesirable situation, the person in a dissatisfying relationship or the person dissatisfied with being alone.  But one common denominator here is that both individuals experience difficulty being alone.  Both individuals are dissatisfied with their relationship with themselves, and we can see this as the real source of their dissatisfaction.


Your Relationship With You


How you feel about your relationship with another is how you are treating yourself – or mistreating yourself.  Your internal state of insecurity, frustration or loneliness is a condition you are producing within you in reaction to what you observe in your physical world or how you think about what you observe. 


Whatever you are unhappy about, you are giving yourself the state of unhappiness about it.  You are hurting your own feelings when you suffer from feelings of unworthiness.  You are making yourself feel insecure when you worry about never finding love.  When you feel ashamed about how your mate is behaving, or ashamed because you are the only one at the party or restaurant without a mate, you are shaming yourself internally.


The Biblical injunction, “Love your neighbor as you love yourself” reveals what may be the very highest level of relationship advice.  When you resent another, the person next to you, the person who lives with you, the person you think about, you are giving yourself resentment. You are placing yourself in that dark and seething state of bitterness.  By contrast, when you unconditionally love your neighbor, you are giving yourself the experience of love which you love.  Everyone loves love, but we deny ourselves of the love we love when we slip out of loving.  The reality is that how we feel about our neighbor is an experience that we are giving to ourselves.


Anyone who relates to you in an unkind, critical, cruel, selfish or insensitive manner is attaching himself or herself  with that painful, internal condition.  Ask that person if he wants to feel negative and he will say something like, “Of course not.  But that s.o.b. deserves it. How I feel is his fault.”  The question to then ask that person is, “But do you deserve to live in that state of unhappiness, dependency and victimhood?”


Liberation From Dissatisfaction


Whether you are in a relationship with another person or on your own you begin improving your experience by improving your relationship with yourself.  As you learn how to allow yourself to live in love, joy, worthiness, respect and inspiration unconditionally you experience fulfillment.  There is then no space within you for the pain of criticism and complaint.  You are clear of negativity.


When you feel unhappy in your current relationship situation, you have internal work that you can do to find your liberation.  By working on your relationship with yourself, you strengthen your capacity to experience joy, love and fulfillment unconditionally.


As you lose your negative reactivity, you gain liberation from dependency on someone else behaving in a certain way for you to feel the fulfillment of love.  You are then empowered to create the kind of relationship that you want.  You can tune in and open up to the inner vision and feeling of fulfillment that you want to experience in a relationship, no longer distracted by the relationship problems that you perceive through the physical senses and your negative mental interpretations.  In other words, you can live in the consciousness of being in a fulfilling state of loving companionship.


From Reacting To Creating


Your state of consciousness is really all that you ever experience. Unhappiness, frustration and fear are states of consciousness.  As you lift your level of consciousness above these painful states, you can experience higher states of fulfillment, inspiration, love, confidence and joy. 


Our behavior and results in life conform to our state of consciousness.  The more positive, optimistic, joyful, loving and grateful you feel deep down inside, the more you will be able to do to produce outcomes that match those feelings.  By contrast, the more negative we feel, the less motivated we feel relative to taking any action that might possibly lead to what we want.  Our discouragement defeats us.


Open Up To Love


If you were right now in your ideal relationship, how would you feel deep down inside?  As you open up to this internal state of consciousness you are creating an opening for that relationship to manifest in your physical life.  The more consistently you live in internal states of harmony, fulfillment and love the happier you will feel and the freer you will be to take the actions that produce its physical reflection.  You will find yourself naturally inspired to take actions aligned with the outcomes you want, even if you don’t see exactly how your action is producing that result.  You will just know that what you are doing feels empowering, uplifting and satisfying.  You will also feel more unconditionally loving toward yourself and toward others, which makes you more attractive to people at that same level.  You will effectively be living in the state of consciousness that you choose to live in, and this will gradually or suddenly create the physical conditions that match it.


If this process sounds too easy to be true, if you actually try to apply it consistently you will probably find it far from easy.  It takes discipline to look within and open up to how we are feeling, especially when we are feeling feelings like dissatisfaction, unworthiness, insecurity, jealousy, and loneliness.  We typically try to run away from these feelings by trying to escape the physical world conditions that seem to trigger them.


The next step is even more challenging, as it involves learning how to let those feelings go and shift into the positive states of internal fulfillment we want to be experiencing.  This is a skill that needs to be exercised in order to strengthen.  To make significant breakthroughs usually requires the support of an experienced guide.  But you can begin to make headway through the following practice:


1.     First, open up to how you feel.  Feel your feelings fully for 3 full breaths.
2.     Second, shift into feeling love for yourself, for your life, and for everyone.  Don’t think about yourself or about anyone in particular.  Work purely on a feeling level.  It can assist you to focus your attention on the center of your chest, where you feel love in your body.  Do this for three breaths.
3.     Third, check in on your feelings again.  Stop trying to feel love and just feel what you feel.  If feelings of internal discord are present, repeat steps one and two.
4.     If your internal discord persists, take a break and engage in some light physical exercise.  Return to the practice when you can.

The more time you live in the state of consciousness in which you feel entirely fulfilled, joyful, loving and grateful, as if everything in your life is going your way, the more that state of consciousness will be reflected by your relationships on the physical level.

To receive personal support in dissolving your attachment to dissatisfying relationships, to open yourself to new, true love, contact me through my coaching website: www.lovethemethod.com

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