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Heal And Protect Yourself From Hurtful Relationships

When you feel deeply hurt on the emotional level, an emotional wound that you have been carrying around since early childhood has been activated.  This internal event often launches one into the pursuit of an unhealthy, unhappy relationship.  The typical automatic reaction to our feeling of deep emotional suffering is to relate to the person who activates it as having the power to assuage it.  We then seek to get that person to fill the emotional void that has been revealed within us, leading us, as you shall see, into deeper suffering


The fact that another has behaved in a way that has triggered your wound indicates that attempting to get into a closer connection with this person would bring about even a deeper sense of wounding, not relief and healing.  Your inner emotional pain points to the love you need from yourself. 


When we feel emotionally hurt in a relationship, and make it our business to try to get the person who triggered our hurt feeling to fix us, we are really continuing to wound ourselves.  It’s like trying to get someone else to feed us when we are hungry, instead of feeding ourselves with the abundance of nutritious food that is readily available to us.


Pursuing people who hurt you is nonsensical.  Imagine yourself in a cage with a ferocious tiger that just attacked you.  You have two choices.  You can try to convince the tiger to treat you more kindly or you can step outside the cage and take care of your wound.


People who hurt you may not mean to.  They are just being who they are, and how they are just happens to cause your emotional wound to surface.  It is likely that those who seem to inflict emotional wounds are really just sharing their emotional wound. 


You can use this situation to recognize and address what you need from you to heal, or you can go on blaming, pursuing and trying to change and control those who relate to you in a manner that causes your emotional wound to surface.  The latter option sets you up for an unhealthy relationship with partners who seem to abuse you and leave you feeling lost, empty, hurting, helpless and unhappy.


Harmony in a relationship is the product of two whole, happy people who create beautiful music together. A relationship in which one person is trying to change and control the other is driven by wounding, painful clashing and ugly strife. Why do we seek out discordant relationships?  Why do we continue to struggle to get the other to change?  The answer is simple.  We have a need that we believe only that other person can meet.  We do not understand that only we can meet this need for ourselves, and we do not know how to meet it.


Every human being on planet earth is carrying around emotional wounds.  They come out whenever you see a person expressing anger toward another, experiencing anxiety, suffering from loneliness, feeling lost, unloved, helpless or abused.  The typical reaction is to look for an external source to blame and an external source to bring liberation from suffering.  But this never works, as we have seen.  They keep finding themselves in relationships where the pain reemerges sooner or later, and they reenter conflict to try to get free of the pain.


If you are ready to try another way, here it is.  It begins by accepting that you must and that you can meet the inner emotional need that has been revealed within you.  Your feeling of longing, of loneliness, of desperate wanting, of helpless dependency is calling out to you, from a void deep within you that only you can fill.

 

You begin to fill your emotional void by acknowledging and accepting it.  Instead of trying to escape it, face it.  Blaming and criticizing another because of the emotional pain you feel only hardens you to your own pain, builds a wall around it that makes it that much more difficult for you to get to.  Trying to get another person to make you feel better only exacerbates the pain, as has been discussed, as it leads you into a relationship with someone who is bound to hurt you more.


Opening your heart to feel your feelings fully is the act of self-compassion that you need when you hurt emotionally.  Embracing your pain is self-nurturing.  Your inner pain is guiding you toward what the hurting part of you needs from you.  It needs you to stop what you are doing and just feel your feelings at the deepest levels.  Allow your feelings to rise and expand in your awareness, in your open heart as you gently consider what you need to do for you that can help you to feel better.  Be patient with the pain.  Don’t seek to numb it with mindless television, Internet distraction, drugs, alcohol, socializing, shopping.  Take a nap if you need one.  Take a walk.  Weep.  Be deeply kind toward yourself.  Try feeling love for the hurting part of you, love for the deepest core of you.  Give yourself the feeling of love that you need, that you want, that you crave.  Relax as deeply as possible and let the energy within you flow into your heart until you feel whole, calm, happy and even grateful.


It may help you to imagine what it is that you want from another until you can feel the way you want to feel; just be careful to not identify that person as the source of the feeling you want.  You are simply using your imagination to help you feel loved.


When you feel overlooked, unimportant, insignificant, unvalued you are actually doing this to yourself.  It may seem that another is the cause, but your reaction to what that other has done is the cause.  You are hurting you, and the value of seeing how you do this is that you can then see how you can stop doing it.


Your natural, healthy emotional state is one of wholeness, completion, fulfillment and joy.  When external circumstances seem to rob you of this wonderful state, it is actually your inner reaction to those circumstances that causes your suffering.  As you work on self-nurturing with loving self-compassion you gradually reenter your whole and happy state.  You become more fully self-reliant, successful, and in relationships you will be more about giving then getting.


Monitor your inner state incessantly.  Notice what emotional state you are in.  Open your heart to yourself to recognize what you need from you to feel whole, healthy and wonderful.  Feeling your feelings deeply, with love for yourself, is really all you need to heal your wound and set you free.

Gaining release from your emotional wound-patterns requires the assistance of a skilled emotional healing and recovery coach.  Contact me to learn how my phone coaching can provide you with immediate relief and long-term liberation. 

Also contact me for an inspiring and empowering keynote on emotional health and healthy relationships.

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